An old classmate messaged me today, someone whom I hadn't spoken with since college, and he told me that I had some private content circulating in chat groups. Several hours later, one of my closest friends messaged me saying that I have photos and an intimate video with my hubby circulating the ICA (my daughters' Catholic school and my alma mater) circles. It was only a matter of time before this happened, so I might as well face it head on rather than have people talk and speculate even more. But then again, people will always talk. You can't stop people from talking. My Instagram account had always been the target of vicious gossip from day one. Viber groups and Facebook chats are probably exploding right now. Oh no! A scandal! Or as Captain Raymond Holt says, "hot goss"!
I'll start off by saying that I have adult content on my Patreon and my Ismygirl platforms. This was never really a secret. It's right there on the tier descriptions. I have my most risqué content on those platforms because I can't, won't and don't put them on Instagram. If what I used to post on Instagram scandalized those ICA moms, what I put on Patreon and Ismygirl would probably give them a heart attack.
A few months ago, some of my content was posted on several local sites known for leaking private pics and vids. A patron violated terms and uploaded content that wasn't meant to be shared. I've managed to get them taken down, but it was too late. People were able to save these pics and vids and started sharing them in their own circles. It was only a matter of time before it made its way to people I know. Right now I'm just trying to cope. I'm on the verge of another depressive period, usually brought about by getting cyberbullied and just the thought of stuff leaking is driving my anxiety through the roof.
The question on everyone's minds: why does she do it?
I love and enjoy what I do. When I first started my Instagram account, posting sexy pictures of myself, selfies or pics my husband took of me, it liberated me. I felt so alive, sexy, and empowered. For someone who has suffered from low self-esteem all her life, it was incredible. It was a confidence boost and I felt in control. We started taking and posting more and more risqué shots but these never sat well with my haters who kept reporting my posts and getting them and even my account taken down. It became so toxic on Instagram that I had to find another outlet for my self-expression. Patreon allowed me be myself and be happy in my own skin while gating the content behind a paywall. With my Patreon shoots, I was able to produce my own calendar, something I am truly proud of. Between my Ismygirl and Patreon, I could be playful, naughty, and sexy to an audience that appreciates it. The paywall was meant to discourage haters. Unfortunately, there will still be assholes who'll violate agreements and share your content.
When word of the leak first reached me, I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear from social media. Not because I'm ashamed of what I do, but because I have such trauma from being judged and bullied. In fact, some stranger on Facebook commented on my son's Facebook entry on a public page with a link to the video and taunted him with, "do you know what your mom is up to?" I felt so violated and disrespected. I wanted to quit everything, stop my platforms and leave social media forever. But my husband told me something that resonated with me. He said I could stop it all and disappear, but also that he'd never seen me more happy and alive than when I was doing it. He was right.
Someone on one of the forums where my content was posted mocked me, saying, "You must be some special kind of a retard, binenta mo ung puri mo para sa kakarampot na pera na pwede mo namang kitain sa pagtratrabaho o pag bubusiness? Tapos ngayon pag may kakalat na nudes magagalit ka? Eh bobotante ka nga talaga." (you sold your honor for small change which you can earn through regular work or business? And now you're angry because your nudes leaked? You're really stupid.) That person and most people actually miss the point. I'm not doing this for the money. I own a successful cake studio. What I earn from Patreon and ismygirl is pocket change for my toys. I do what I do because I enjoy it. I do it for myself. It makes me happy, it makes me feel alive.
The difference between me sharing my content and people passing it around in their chat groups is consent. When I gate it behind a paywall, it means the people who have access to it make conscious effort to see it. They've opted in and are supposed to keep it for themselves. Sharing it without my knowledge is a violation of my privacy. When people share it, or any picture or video of anyone else at all without their knowledge, that's actually the real scandal. In fact, it's literally criminal. It's cybercrime.
I do what I do because I want to do it. I have fun. I have the full support of my husband whom I'm loyal and devoted to. I have sexual agency at a time when women are still being told what to wear. I have the power because I choose to do this, I'm not desperate for money or attention. That's an amazing feeling and I won't be shamed for it.
The fact is, what happens behind closed doors isn't anyone's business. As long as nobody is harmed, as long as it's consensual, people should live and let live. What's actually scandalous and sad is that in this day and age, when a woman is in control of her sexuality, they're automatically judged and gossiped about. But what I do on Instagram or Patreon or Ismygirl doesn't define me. It's just a small part of who I am. I'm a loving mom, a great wife (just ask my husband! lol), a good businesswoman, an avid toy collector, etc, etc. When people talk, they tend to forget that it's a real person they're talking about. And I'm not talking just about myself but everyone else who takes control of their sexuality. All the women or even men on Ismygirl or OnlyFans aren't defined just by what they do there. They're real people with families, friends, hobbies, and daily struggles just like everyone else. The stigma against sex needs to stop. I don't expect people to like or even understand what I do, but people should really just mind their own goddamn business.